today i received one of those emails cc’d to myself back in my inbox. i suddenly saw a side of myself that i am not so accustomed to. decision and daadkracht (sometimes i can’t think of the right english word anymore) sprung from one of my impulses and caught me by the nape of the neck. my heart started pounding, and my hands started shaking. i can still feel the adrenaline, or one of those other self-produced drugs, coursing through my veins, a certain intoxicating vulnerability, as if transported to an (uncanny) environment, where i must feel my way even though i know the space by heart.
was it just the mirroring from an (un)expected corner? (un)familiar intimacy? the sudden, effortless transformation of desire into action? oh, well, i’ll probably get used to it. (although i hope not).
remembering the scratches on the bathroom wall, i think it might help to trace the faces on the back of my hand.